Whiskey, Bad Decisions & Adventure (Part 2)

So back to where we last left off…

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Two things I was grateful for when I got off that bus:

  1. Some knowledge of how to get around Mombasa town.
  2. I did not have to struggle with transport…Uber is in Mombasa!

I was on the real testimony like…

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Because Rekegwire…

If God forbid I had to explain where the hell I was going/my destination, the language barrier was going to be an issue!

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Why?

My Swahili just needs to touch the hem of Jesus garment.

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How bad?

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You remember those “Tunga sentensi ukitumia neno blah blah blah” questions in school? I was once presented with the word “Mafuriko”

I did not know what the hell that word meant…so I guessed it out as scientifically as I could.

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I went, “Hmmm…Mafuriko sounds like kufura of some kind…Lawd Jesus maybe a tumor…or even worse those boils for the plagues in Egypt! Uuuwi Eureka bitches I think I got it!!”

…and based off of that insight, I wrote down my sentence confident AF like…

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I’m so smart I can’t! I got this!

Needless to say…I didn’t ace that swa exam….

and neither did I average those that came after for that matter.

…and NO!

I won’t divulge the exact contents of my sentence on that exam paper. I can already see y’all  like…

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But you know what…

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Bwana Yesu Ni Mwokozi Wangu…

But I digress…

So I hop into the cab and sure enough, English isn’t the drivers cuppa. But he knew the destination…so I was good and we were on the move…everything was gonna be fine.

But brethren, as we declared in the previous post, “The Devil is a liar!

This trip was about to make me experience Mombasa driving and drivers…Haki ya Ngaa…

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HOOO MY NGOOONDNEZZZ!!!!

Anyone who’s ever said to you, “If you can drive in Nairobi you can drive anywhere” doesn’t know what the hell they are talking about….I promise you!

My advice – The people who have ever said this to you? Just delete them from your phone book and social media…. but not before you walk up to them and be like…

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Coast-arian drivers and riders…basically everyone operating machinery on the roads is insane!

If it’s not the nduthis acting like they are auditioning for the Motor GP, it’s the tuktuks acting like its Nas-fucking-car – Tuktuk edition. I don’t even know why anyone bothers to put up the signs or mark the roads. Simply put…

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As we are driving away from the bus stop (and the madness that is town), headed to Cowrie Shell Beach Apartments, the car in front of us suddenly comes to a screeching halt! Forcing the driver to pump those emergency brakes, and me about to test the cabs airbags.

I was like…

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The fuck is going on up over there?

So I see the driver in front of us wave his hand frantically and then step out of his car…and I was like “Oooh snap…I’m about to witness another fight…innit?”

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Captain Umbesho

Nah!

This nigga had actually seen his boy across the street and decided to stop his car IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD to go say hi to his mate…Dude…

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Brethren, this was a twilight zone for me…I never hesperedit! Like FRFR!

This was an equivalent of stopping your car in the middle of Kenyatta Avenue to run and say hi to a guy at the GPO stage…that bastard!

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Hijo De Puta

Anyway, this nigga was totally oblivious of the hooting and cursing from other drivers. If anything…he was acting like the rest of us were the problem! Just looking at us going like…

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After 5 or so minutes, he gets his ass back in the car and we are on our way.I was still puzzled AF but more importantly I just couldn’t wait to get to the damn hotel!

So there I am fiddling with my phone…letting everybody know I am safe and what not….then i realize that its been 15 minutes into the trip, and we are on the wrong street…hell we were on the wrong gaddamn road! So I’m in looking around like…

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The Fuck are we?

Took a while to hit me…but let me give you an example of just how off track we were…Its like you trying to get to Westlands from Kencom then you find yourself on Mbagathi Road…like riure…

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What is this?????

So when we finally pull up to a place I recognize…and I ask, “Mbona ulitumia njia refu?” He turns to me and first goes like…

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Then he hits me with… “Lile njia nyingine lina traffic sister.”…and I’m like…

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Whatchu talmbout nigga?

So I look back to get a glimpse of the road we should have used and I see it is as clear as day! What should have been a 30 minute or less ride ended up being an hour-long ride!!!!!!

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This is similarly what my Uber trip looked like when I got my receipt…

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Even this guy really tried!

  • First Uber ride in Mombasa – Check!
  • Horrible experience – Check!

From all the drama I had been through…it started to seem like my trip already had a theme…”A Series Of Unfortunate Events”.

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But I was at my destination!

Praise be to the Lord!

And let me just say it…Cowrie Shell Beach Apartments are superb…(no I haven’t been paid to say that). Although I didn’t get an ocean view room, it was ridiculously cozy and relaxing! If I have to steal ideas for my house decor I will definitely borrow from them.

Cheers to the person who did the design and decor…

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Also, I finally got to pee (that was my happiest most satisfying moment that day) and in an hour my wing-man had arrived the scene right in time for a whisky breakfast. #MombasaRahachet

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Cheers Shiru!

However there’s something about Coast and drinking that didn’t sit well with me. I had endless doubles and shots but alas…

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So we decided to head out for lunch at Yuls…fantastic place save for the occasional sneers from white-sunburned to bright red individuals. I still don’t understand foreigners who look down upon us in our own country.

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Please!

I also don’t understand why they endlessly sit in the sun and look like angry tomatoes. But since I couldn’t find a GIF of an angry tomato this is the closest I can get to explaining to you what it felt like being looked at by them…

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…and in the spirit of being petty I made a silent toast to melanin…

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Aside from that, I think it is also fair to mention that Yuls has some fantastic ice-cream and burgers.

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Even the thought of them…

However, the only struggle I had was ordering sea-food. They didn’t have the catch of the day, neither did they have calamari, prawns, crab etc. Which was rather strange to me seeing as the ocean is not more than 100m from the restaurant…It would be like going to a lakeside restaurant and them claiming not to have fish…

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I dunno, that shit just don’t make sense!

Anyway, a few more hours of drinks with the wing-man and some new friends and we decided that the night was going to be spent at a club called Zee Lounge. I was excited! So we go back up to the house…shower…nap…nini nini…and I’m good to go…we head out to pick the rest…which was the beginning of unfortunate things to happen to me on that night…

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Why Jesus?

We walk into their house and these chicks are still in the pool lit AF not a single one ready to leave. Also I just needed a refresher booze and I was hungry AF …all I was dreaming about was some good old spicy swahili food from Barka. But this was not to be the case…One hour, two hours three hours in…these chicks are still tryna get ready..I was just like…

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You would think they were getting reconstructive surgery…I couldn’t deal. A few more minutes in and I got impatient…they were of no use to me…so I got into an Uber and headed into town. After all, there was a burger joint in the same building the club was at. So I just everyone and was like…

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PS- I am usually not of the notion that one, while in Coast, should eat all the shit they can find in Nairobi. But in this case…I didn’t have much of an option.

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So I get to the place, order and settle into my meal while reading articles by one of my favorite story tellers – Owaah. I finish my meal and I’m like “Meh…I really don’t feel like a club anymore” so I call an Uber. This is where the horror begins…

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As usual the first thing i do is call the driver to explain where I am. He knows the place and claims he is about 10 mins out…i’m cool with that…I was still enjoying my reading. After a couple of articles, I look up at my watch and realize that its been half an hour and the Uber driver hasn’t arrived yet. So I pick up the phone and call him again.

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Where the fuck you at bro?

This time he swears to me he will be there in 5 minutes. Albeit irritated, I agree and continue to wait…another two articles in…he still wasn’t there so I call him again.

This time with decency and decorum out the window…

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After my cussing and screaming on the phone…he pulls up to the scene and the first thing he says to me when I enter the car is, “Madam, I am sorry, I had to pick my CD’s”…I couldn’t believe it…I waited an hour for him to run his CD errands…

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As in….Jehovah!

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Then as we embark on the ride, he goes like, “Madam, please don’t be mad, I don’t like to see women mad”.

All I had for him was…

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The ride was quiet for a while until he cranked up some Taarab music and started to sing along…

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I believe this is precisely what my face looked like.

Then get this…he breaks his vow of silence and goes like “Can I make you a copy of this?” I

Me:

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All I remember repeatedly saying was…

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We finally get to the apartments and he happily declares that he was going to give me 5 stars and he hoped that I would do the same for him…I was in shock…I just paid my fare and said to him…

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Immediately I walk into my room and begin to have a mozzo, my phone starts ringing. I pick up and its this him! The nerve on this guy…our conversation pretty much goes like “Please forgive me..I will make you a CD” This was me…

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SATAN BE GONE!!!!

And it didn’t stop there…

But that’s where we shall leave it at today…catch the last and final part soon…

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One thought on “Whiskey, Bad Decisions & Adventure (Part 2)

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